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You too can be a wannabe movie critic, here's how

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HOW TO BECOME A WANNABE ONLINE MOVIE CRITIC:
1. Upgrade your basic cable service to include HBO, Showtime, Starz etc.
2. Watch pan and scanned videos on your tv, pretend you're seeing a film in a theater. Award yourself 10 extra points if your cable service compresses the audio dymanic range and rolls off the frequency extremes and/or the video signal breaks up into a digital mosaic every few minutes.
3. Post what a piece of crap/kaka/cacarella you saw. Award yourself 100 extra points if you only watch a few minutes of the movie and judge it to be crap; award yourself 10,000 extra points if you only watch one-half hour of part two of the LOTRs and say it's crap.
4. Try to form an alliance with other like-minded online wannabe's in order to validate your viewpoint. It helps if you can find persons who enjoyed the original version of "Solaris" and/or have had a frontal lobotomy.
5. If for some reason you miss a movie on cable (for example, your parole was revoked or you overdosed on crack cocaine) simply go to the IMDB site, cut and paste a copyrighted review and pretend that you agree with the author's views.
If all of the above is too complicated to follow, simply remember the three basic rules of wannabe movie reviewing:
A. If any particular movie has digital FX then it's crap
B. If any particular movie has won any academy awards then it's crap
C. If any particular movie was made in Hollywood then it's crap
Good luck in your wannable-reviewing efforts.

Follow Ups:

you forgot E....... - Ruben 18:42:13 02/08/04 (0)
E,-If the movie is slow with a lot of dialogue........., then it could be an art movie...
Ruben
San Francisco, California
You forgot 'D'... - Chris Garrett 15:49:17 02/08/04 (0)
If it has subtitles and is filmed in a language other than ENGLISH, then it's an A#1 winner.
Chris
ROTFLOL!!! (Virtual high five from your's truly); Yo Mama, you'se da bomb, babe! (nt) - Audiophilander 14:47:58 02/08/04 (0)
(~8^D)
Re: Your halves truths are just perverted lies. nt - patrickU 12:13:39 02/08/04 (4)
nt
- Patrick, I hope you deployed counter-measures because it looks like Yo Mama's heat-seeker locked on! (nt) - Audiophilander 22:36:28 02/08/04 (3)
  ;^)
  - Re: Patrick, I hope you deployed counter-measures because it looks like Yo Mama's heat-seeker locked on! (nt) - patrickU 05:58:18 02/09/04 (2)
    I gave my answer already, but the missive( ile)was more aimed at Victor, and he prefered to ignore it.
    And I may have answer for both ( and quite a few others ) of us.
    - LOL! Oh, I see, Victor IS one of your counter-measures. - Audiophilander 10:23:34 02/09/04 (1)
      BTW, Victor was obviously the primary target, but judging by your very defensive posture I figured that Mama's "missile" had zeroed in on it's secondary target. ;^)
      AuPh
      - Re: LOL! Oh, I see, Victor IS one of your counter-measures. - patrickU 10:34:09 02/09/04 (0)
        
        In Reply to: LOL! Oh, I see, Victor IS one of your counter-measures. posted by Audiophilander on February 09, 2004 at 10:23:34:
        
        Are you glad? Victor won�t not answer, And if I did it was only because I knew he would not.
        Mama is just mean. It could have been an humorious post in his own style, and some of you did just fall in.
        That was under the belly.
LOL...Now that is funny!.... - TWB 11:17:53 02/08/04 (0)
Aren't self-appointed experts a riot!

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