Films/DVD Asylum

Posted by Victor Khomenko (i) on January 22, 2001 at 07:24:30:

What a boring spectacle... I caught some of it while reading Victor Suvorov's book - without which it would be a complete waste of time. Just another panopticon of mostly silly dressed young idiots, self-absorbed and pompous.

Try hard as I may, I didn't see many faces of people I would actually enjoy watching on the screen (did I miss the ultra-liberal Susan Sarandon?). After last night I am even more proud of the fact that I have not watched any of her movies for more than fifteen minutes - Julia Roberts is certainly one of the most boring creatures on Earth today. She had her zipper broken last night, and fixed by a facility man - or some such - and that was about the greatest news from all that glitter tinsel gathering (that WAS the main part of her acceptance speech anyway...).

The tribute to Al Pachino was actually a bit touching, a formerly nice actor that he is, having done zero good acting over the last couple of decades, he still deserves large part of this respect.

So they gave the award to the Gladiator - and of course most people were shocked by that news... A grotesque, silly and boring movie, not a movie, really, just two hours of computer graphics, and not too subtle. A case of a child finding the keys to his dad's workstation - there is nothing in moderation, and the silly staged fights are just too silly to impress anyone, with all that digital graphics so overtly idiotic - so everyone moves like the cheap animation characters. So maybe I SHOULD take that "the most boring" award from Julia and give it to that plastic Roman stuff..

The evening was developing as such pinnacle of boredom that it seemed that nothing could have been done to top it. But never underestimate the Hollywood lack if brainpower. At the very end they pulled out of the dusty mothball Liz "Never Buy Diamonds that are Smaller Than your IQ" Taylor and she just did it... She stood there shaking and completely disoriented, and instead of just reading the names from the screen in front of her, she opened up that sacred envelop... it took minutes and major effort by the organizers, including Dick Clark directly aiming her ailing body at that darn screen, for her to finally start reading those several names.

Was she there to symbolize the shaky state of Hollywood's creative spirit? That would be quite fitting, and that sick, miserable woman should be simply left home in the gentle care of her physician - but at least here she was not given chance to stick that humongous diamond of hers in the camera, in the overpowering display of poor taste, as she did on Larry King...

All during that spectacle you would get plenty of chance to see all cleavages you might need for the rest of the week in the office, plus something you would not see twenty years ago - the young lady upon young lady with well developed biceps, a sure testimony to the fact that private trainers are doing quite well in Hollywood these days. For those of us who still remember the Audrey Hepburn's majestic entry on stage in her pink over-the shoulder dress - I wonder what would she look like after few sessions in the body building gym... That and few pounds of silicone in few places. Speaking of which, it certainly seems like the breasts are treated as public property in Hollywood, and their galore, so thoughtfully shot from way above by the camera crews, was perhaps what kept most of the viewing public coming back after the commercials. You did see all sorts of creative ways of displaying them, and as Jack Nicholson would, I'm sure, so profoundly declare: "That ain't so bad!"

The best part of the evening? Why, the Suvorov's book, of course. For those interested in good WWII analysis (Bruce and the crowd - wake up!...) it is a true entertainment. Who knows, some day some shmuck in Hollywood might discover it and decide to make another computer generated spectacle out of it, and the supply of raw silicone in LA will dwindle and we will, finally, see Adolf Hitler with a well developed biceps and a nice pair of perfect boobs.

All in all, not a bad night for the idle brain...