Films/DVD Asylum

Posted by Bambi B (A) on August 15, 2006 at 15:57:31

Mates,

One of the nice features of temporarily having 42 movies channels is the pleasure of test driving movies I'd never make an effort to see otherwise.

Recently I saw (most of) "Van Helsing" and I feel this movie is a good candidate for a course at the USC film school- it contains every single Hollywood blockbuster ploy in one package heightened to the maximum:

-Main character with TV soap opera looks with all his personality contained in a stupid-looking hat.

-600 high quality CGI sequences with absolutely no emotional impact

-Horrible flying demons that periodically become beautiful women with large bosoms while they're taking their lunch break from being demons.

-Baby demons hatch from eggs left over from the filming of "Alien".

-Every horror character in history thrown together. This movie has Dracula, Frankenstein, AND Wolfman. I did like the touching moment when Frankenstein had to push his skull back together like adjusting an old hat!

-Derviative art production that the committee thought was appealing: count the copying from "Bram Stoker's Dracula" and "Sleepy Hollow"

-This movie actually has a HORSE DRAWN COACH explode into flames when it goes over a cliff- and they may have shown this happening twice! The committee knew there had to be a "car chase" with one vehicle exploding into flames down a cliff

-Stupid retro technology: A pnuematic "machine gun" crossbow with Holy Water tips! Idiocy lifted from "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" I think there was an Holy Hand Grenade surplus "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" too.

-An attractive woman in tight leather and cleavage who owns her own draughty castle and also knows her way around broadswords. The Nipples embroidered on the delicate cloth part of the costume are a attractive touch!

-Dracula with the personna of a British game show host and used car salesman combined. He should have introduced himself, "Oy, I am Nigel of the Dark and of the Motor trade- your worst nightmare."

-A jumble of sequences edited to change the point of view of the CGI characters every 1/8th second.

-Not one character we care that they live or die.

I just cry when I see such effort and skills wasted such a grand scale. Still, impressive that every nasty scrap of blockbusterism can be seen- if you can stand it- in one movie and could serve to train a whole new generation of Spielbergs.

The producers of "Van Helsing" should be given a special Oscar for lifetime brass ball achievment and then sent over a cliff in an exploding horse drawn coach!

Cheers,

Bambi B