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Das Schlechtes Boot - Das Hollywood Boot

204.183.80.149

Posted by Victor Khomenko on November 19, 2000 at 08:02:19

How's my Deutsch?

Watched last night OUR answer to that widely accepted decadent Das Boot. I believe it is called U-571 or some such.

How do you create "our" answer, when you have no brains and don't know how? Well, first, as usual, you take some serious event - and I have little reason to think something like that did not happen in reality (maybe will find the Enigma book to read again), but I am somewhat sure in reality they didn't have this sorry bunch of cardboard cutouts for characters.

So let's skip the load of motherthood and apple pie about the war and sacrifice - let's just stop prostituting the important things in our lives!

Anyway, here we have that "another" Das Boot and this one sinks not a second too soon. It is loaded with your typical Hollywood standard sub-scripts like you would not believe - so little wonder it DOES sink eventually. A vicious German prisoner who frees himseld and kills his benevolent, friendly American guard... the obligatory guy who dies saving the whole bunch - as he finally, on his last breath, *reaches* for that valve, just in time to launch the last torpedo...

And that TORPEDO!!!!!!! You have never seen a torpedo like that before, I can assure you. Judging by the pictures, it had the charge of about few kilotons. It hit the destroyer straight on, and the whole thing explodes to high heavens like one cheap firework. Too bad we apparently ran out of these super-torpedos, or the war would have been far shorter...

And you shoud see those German 150mm guns go puk-puk, with little gas flames coming out of them, shooting at that American rusty can from about 100 meters, mostly missing, sometimes hitting it, but causing, of course!!! no damage.

Out guys didn't have that problem. They sail towards the destroyer, they stand on the bridge, their German hats on (too fool the dumb fascists), they wave to the naive German sailors, and they yell "Gestapo, Gestapo, heil, heil, SaurKraut Uberalles", and of course, invisibly to Germans, all that at 100 meters, they load their 120mm gun, aim it at the radio tower, and with one perfect shot disable all communication equpment on board.

And how can I not mention that Horrible, Horrible, Horrible Hollywood-style movie music!!!! How can any human whrite "patriotic" noise like that? It feels like yet another collage of the unfortunately too familiar grandiose but empty pieces, losely glued together, stuff one always finds in the modern trash - it could have been perfectly at place in the Ryan, just pieces rearranged, perhaps.

So all in all - bad plot, idiotic and completely inept directing, lousy acting - too bad someone didn't just sink it before it taking to sea...

Drawing some rather obvious parallels to Das Boot makes this exsercise just more laughable...

OK, OK, I shall give credit where it is due - it looks GREAT on a digital TV - that with just plain cable signal. Some nice water and underwater shots (the German torpedos glancing off the sub's sides), fit enough to be used as your poor-man's HDTV demo.

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