I take back every bad thing I ever said about SW-The Phantom Menace

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A formerly-good friend of mine invited me over to watch a movie on his HT setup Saturday night and insisted on demo'ing his brand new pressing of Star Wars-The Phantom Menace. In case you don't know there is a Japanese import widescreen laser disc that sells for $109 and my coconut-headed pal actually bought a copy. Now I really hate this movie but my friend Dan (or Darth Stupid as I now call him) really loves the Star War flicks and wanted to show off a couple scenes for me. Hey, I'm a guest in his home, I'm drinking his Guiness, I'm eating his beer nuts, who am I to say I don't want to watch this movie? So Dan fires up the flick and the first thing I notice are the Japanese subtitles in the black bar at the bottom of the screen.
"Turn 'em off" I say. "No can do" sez Dan, "they are part of the transfer." "But they're really bugging me" I reply, and after a minute or two Dan sez y'know, they really are a pain in the you-know-what, so he stops the movie and we spend about 15 minutes cutting a template out of black cardboard to mask out the bottom of the frame and tape it to his rear projection monitor. Grab another Guiness and back to our chairs. Okay, Dan starts the movie again, but guess what? The subtitles are REALLY bright, and even though they are covered by cardboard, they still throw a halo across the bottom 1/3 of the screen that makes it look like car headlights are flashing by everytime someone on screen says something. This goes on for about five minutes until Dan yells "SH*T!" Time to stop the movie again. Don moves the masking screen up a quarter inch, restarts the movie, swears 'cuz you can still see the flashing, stops the movies and repeat this proceedure two more times until he is completely fed up. "Screw it" he sez and yanks the mask off completely. Grab another Guiness and back to our chairs.
Okay, now the movie's playing again. The room is almost pitch black but every time the subtitles come on it looks like a giant white flashbulb going off. There are a bunck of wacky blue aliens on the screen who look like big frogs but talk in Japanese accents. The beer is taking effect and the combination of alcohol and strobe lights is making my head start to spin. I have this irrestible urge to take off my hat, EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT WEARING ONE. I feel as if I am about to throw up when suddenly the floor drops away and I am engulfed in blackness......
I awake to find my friend pouring a few life-giving pints of Guiness down my throat. Looking at the screen, I see that the scene has now shifted: instead of big blue frogs, there appears to be a small green toad sitting in a chair, and Samuel Jackson is talking to him. In my demented state I interpret the conversation they are having as sounding like this:
Samuel Jackson: We must decide if we are to train the boy as a Jedi. What does he look like?
Toad-a: What?
Samuel Jackson: SAY WHAT AGAIN MOTHERF*CK*R!!! I DOUBLE DARE YOU TO SAY WHAT AGAIN!!!!
Toad-a: What?!?
Samuel Jackson: (pointing a gun) DOES HE LOOK LIKE A B*TCH???
Toad-a: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Then suddenly, like the hot kiss at the end of a cold fist, it struck me -- Star Wars-The Phantom Menace is a COMEDY! It's HILARIOUS!!! In fact, IT'S THE FUNNIEST GODD*MN MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!!!!
So - for all you SW fans out there - I take back every bad thing I ever said about this wonderful comedy. Highly recommended, and guaranteed to make you puke or pass out, probably in that order.

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Topic - I take back every bad thing I ever said about SW-The Phantom Menace - Scott 16:34:53 04/17/00 (0)

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